lostdwarf’s blog

How Not to Die: Surprising Lessons on Living Longer, Safer, and Healthier from America's Favorite Medical Examiner [HOW NOT TO DIE -OS]

Or as I like to call it:

Eat Fiber! Or your colon could generate pustules that, if popped and enter your bloodstream, CAN KILL YOU. Seriously, can you imagine someone telling your family that you died of ASS PUS?

or

Did you know you could get neck and throat tumors from BLOW JOBS?! Everyone, get the HPV vaccine. Damn.

She does a very good job linking the advice from your doctor ("Eat more fiber! Don't drink so much! Stop smoking!) with the real life consequences of these actions. There are some points where it feels like she's reaching (the section on accidents come to mind since even she admits that there isn't a way to prevent accidents) but otherwise, it is a fun and fairly informative read.

She tends to be a little too "me me me" focused (I'm fairly certain we don't need to relate everything to her family) and I find her recommendation of fat-reducing pills to be a little on the unwise side (look at me! I'm being polite!). She also seems hellbent on proving that she is more compassionate and more dedicated to her work than others.

Of course, it's not a huge detriment to the book until nearer the end when I felt the need to roll my eyes while I was reading. That may have been when I started reading the "FAT WILL KILL YOU" section. Considering she outlined with the chapters previous how regular, "fit" people can still die from heart disease and whatnot, linking fatness only to the risk of heart disease is... well, I'm going to guess she's never heard of "Healthy At Every Size" which is unfortunate for those around her and those reading her book.

Overall though, I highly recommend this. It gives you a good outline how your lifestyle could be stealing years from you. And seriously, how would you like your family knowing you died of ass pus?

Why must you plague me with women who watch their weight AND food? Who are SO vocal about calories and whatnot? You're putting me off my food! And I know, you're looking pointedly at the size of my butt. Well, you can shut it, GOD, my butt is FINE. It's round, it's bodacious and it's ... okay, so in that one dress, it looked like something you would put tchochkes on.

But Beyonce wore a dress that gave her square hips one time so, once again, you can shut it. Plus? The sweater top made me look hot so yeah, I'm going back to buy the sweater when it comes in ::sticks out tongue::

And put down that lightning bolt. I'm not calling you names; I'm just calling you OUT. If you didn't want me to eat, you shouldn't have made food so delicious. Really? I'm supposed to turn down chocolate cake? Really?! Or, wait, did you want me to eat the cake but only have a slice so thin, no one could tell a piece was taken?

Whatever. It's chocolate cake; give me a normal sized piece. I'd like to enjoy it with some coffee. WITH MILK.

All right, fine, I might give up milk. But only because I think it's causing my weird skin condition.

But seriously, what's wrong with you? What's up with making women who are always so worried and unhappy with how they look that they aren't able to acknowledge how GOOD they actually do look? Where's the self-esteem jar, God? Did you forget to give us some? What about the self-worth one? Are you skimping on that one with women too? Or are you just starting to forget to include that one in for everyone? Cause I've noticed some people sadly lacking in both and it's starting to piss me off.

And please, can you make celebutards go away? I don't think they're helping us any.

Amen.

Eh, you're afraid to be rude because you're a nice person. That's not a problem with me and my black soul. It's like blacked cajun chicken: black and spicy.

... no seriously, where the hell does this come from?

[Please note, I think I'm PMS-ing right now so this review is a little more emotional and a little more disjointed than my normal reviews (HA!). It's still awesome :) ]

I've just recently discovered Suzanne Brockmann, though she's been published for a few years, thanks to Amazon.ca and my own dogged determination.

... what? You thought you'd get through a review without self-aggrandizment? Silly rabbit, self-effacement is for kids!

The first book of her's that I read was Ladies' Man:

Ladies' Man

Suzanne Brockmann

Luckily for me, I read another book by her.

Yes, this one sucked that bad, at least in my opinion.

... you want a fuller review? Fine. It was full of the stupid romcom nonsense I abhor. There was great chemistry between the lead characters but otherwise, it was a waste of the couple of hours it took to read.

Thankfully, I read the other book I had on hold at the library, Force of Nature.

Damn.

DAMN.

DAMN.

Wow.

Technically, Force of Nature was the tenth? eleventh maybe? book in the Troubleshooters series. But wow, what a great way to be introduced to them. Truthfully, I'm a little hazy on the whole storyline (sorry, it was a little while ago and I've read at least 5 books since then) but it... How do I say this?

She creates characters that aren't normal.

She creates characters that are like those we would meet in real life. Asian people, Black people (can I say black people? Is that racist? I haven't figured that one out yet and yes, I'm serious) and... GAY people.

Dudes, you don't know how long I've waited to see a mainstream gay person in a romance novel where it's not treated as a disease or as a throwaway joke. Hell, it would be nice to see a Chinese person in a novel who doesn't speak in a weird, stilted manner who also has a black belt as a hobby but whatever, baby steps.

But Jules. Dear lord, this woman created Jules Cassidy, FBI agent extraordinaire and openly gay, then throws him the perfect man who is so fucked up from trying to stay in the closet that he looks like the worst mistake ever.

The best part?

SPOILER:

They get married in All Through the Night, her Christmas novella that follows up on their relationship, in Boston, her hometown, in celebration of the fact that Massachusetts, at the time and hopefully still, made gay marriage legal.

(FYI, I hate that we refer to it as gay marriage. It's just fucking MARRIAGE, people. Grow the hell up.)

Dudes. She made a mainstream gay PERSON, not a caricature, not a martyr, not some crazed stereotype that makes being gay this weird thing but a fully breathing person, someone I would love to be friends with, especially since he'd actually kick the ass of anyone who'd cheat on me.

She's created this world that reflects the one I actually live in: with people of colour, occasionally intermarrying with those who ... aren't? I guess? Though pinky flesh would be a colour, I think. I mean, Crayola would call it a colour, right?

Sorry, I know, weird digression. I've always wondered about the "people of colour" thing. I mean, I've met Chinese people who are whiter than white people. And what's up with the yellow skin thing when it comes to Chinese people? I'm very confused.

ANYWAY, she's created a world that I want to live in, one where love shouldn't have to hide in the shadows, one where people can fight and argue and not break up to create "romantic tension" (this is one of the cliches of romances I absolutely loathe) but instead actually talk things out to, maybe not solve everything, but to put everything out there between partners, so that there aren't any secrets or tension from secrets.

Have I convinced you yet? Will you give her a try? Hell, if you're not sure about starting from the beginning, let me assure you, I don't believe you have to. Start with Forces of Nature then go to All Through the Night and if you're not crying when you read her epilogue of how and why she created these characters, you and I need to have a come to Jesus talk.

You do not want a come to Jesus talk with me. I curse. A lot.

Now, this is the only way I can end this: I'm not gay and it shouldn't matter. I'm Chinese and it shouldn't matter. Mixed marriages weren't allowed until mid-1900s; are we really going to let this persecution continue to another group of people? Why does who you love matter more than that you love them?

And if you say, "The Bible," believe me, I will beat you with mine. Some of you are why I no longer go to church.

Seriously, give her a read then come back and tell me how right I am.

Show us a book you feel like you should read, but just can't bring yourself to actually pick up.

Oooh, interesting question. I should come on Vox more often.

Which reminds me, sorry I haven't been on even really to comment. My new work place (yay!) has most places blocked and for a little while there, my laptop charger wasn't working properly but I have a new one now!

Now back to books. I'm not really sure what book I feel as though I should be embarassed I haven't read.

It's definitely not Twilight. Just reading the synopsis of each book makes me feel like killing everyone involved in publishing the book.

I am a little surprised I haven't read all of the Sandman books but I'm saving up for the new volumes.

I'm not really into ponderous, "culturally significant" books because they're typically boring. Sorry.

I've never finished any James Joyce but I've been told that's probably not my fault.

I've never actually read the Bible from beginning to end. I get lost in the "Blah begat Blah, then Blah begat Blah, blah blah blah men having sex and releasing progeny on to the world" boringness; though there are supposed to be quite a few good stories about women who step out of "their place" and protect others from persecution. Those are always fun. I really like the one about the woman who nails this guy's head into the ground. That's awesome and ballsy.

I wish I read more How To books, things that help me know more about other things. I probably should read more Canadian history. It's actually quite interesting, though relatively bloodless through many of the years (my favourite story about that one is where Canadians ran across the border, set the White House on fire and then ran back to Canada. It may have been a lot more complicated than that but I like to think some guys got drunk, said, "Damn those Americans for whatever," gathered a bunch of their friends and somehow snuck across the border with gasoline and matches.

Hee hee! I also imagine they're wearing flannel and wearing hats. I don't know why.

I should probably read the actual, historical account, see how close my imagination is :)

Other than that, I'm not sure. What do you guys think? Anything I should read? Please note, I will ignore you if I've tried reading a particular author and have found them not my cup of tea or if the genre/storyline isn't something that interests me. I lean towards the suspense/mystery genre, with or without romance but I'm willing to branch out a little.

What never fails to make you laugh?
Submitted by BeautifullyBroken.

Maybe I'm mellowing but I rather like this question. I mean, it could mean so many things, like what kind of books make you laugh? What jokes make you laugh? What situations make you laugh? It's just a nice way of looking at things.

Of course, as a cynic and a possible pessimist, it could also be used as "What makes you laugh with cynicism? What causes you to give a mocking laugh?"

Though, I'm not typically a one who will give a mocking laugh or a poo-poo-ing laugh. I think it's passive aggressive. If I think something you're doing is stupid, I'll cut you a side-eye or make a "Who farted?" face. There will never be a question as to how I feel.

What makes me laugh? Let's start a list:

Movies:

Beerfest - yes, I know. No, seriously, I know. It's a movie about a beer competition. But it makes me happy, stop judging me)

Blazing Saddles - LOVE this movie. Absolutely love it. I lent it to a friend who's husband had fond memories of it from his youth and so she sat while he watched the movie, watching to see if he laughed. That's so much pressure! Would it surprise you to hear he wasn't able to laugh at any of it?)

Ghostbusters - I'm sorry but if you don't like Ghostbusters, we need to have a serious conversation. I'm not going to judge you for not liking Ghostbusters 2, though I thought it was quite good, but Ghostbusters! Come on! It's a work of genius!)

The Addams Family 1 & 2 - Whatever you think about the second one, Joan Cusack is genius and I love her. Plus her attempts to kill Fester make me laugh like a donkey.)

Team America - What can I say? Besides "Matt Damon!"?

I'm sure there are some I'm missing (though I mostly watch action movies) but those are off the top of my head.

Books:

Dave Berry's Guide to Guys - irreverent and it plays off of stereotypes but it's so good-humoured with this strain of cynicism, it's almost like me, distilled as a comedy book.

... okay, that seems to be it. I mostly read romances and suspense fiction. Some of those are laughs but it's mostly because the writing or situations are really bad.

TV

How I Met Your Mother - I just did a marathon of Season 1 and 2 and it is so funny, mixed with sweet, mixed with booze and topped with whipped cream and cherry. Love.

Big Bang Theory - I wasn't wild about this show when it first came out. I thought all the jokes would be grotesque stereotypes (Oh look! Nerds can't get laid!) but it's not. It's a lot sweeter than that. It feels like the writers like the characters and aren't willing to be vicious or cruel, just for an easy joke.

And... huh. I don't seem to watch a lot of comedy shows either. Mostly action or sci-fi which contain humour but aren't the "traditional" sitcom.

Is this the point where I have to assure you all that I am actually a girl?

And will I have to assure you again when I tell you I also like Family Guy?

As for jokes and things, I prefer jokes that aren't at someone's expense, in the sense that, while I may joke around, I don't like jokes where the heart of the joke is vicious.

How many times can I fit "joke" in a sentence? Damn, no wonder I never cut it as a writer.

I'm not a fan of practical jokes since it seems the basis of those are to make the person look ridiculous. I don't mind a crass joke if it's properly funny, that is, if it's funny in it's own right, regardless of crassness. Though I'll take the occasional poop joke. I like those.

I like word play jokes because it lets me use my brain sometimes.

But mostly, I just like to laugh. I like the weird witch's cackle I get when I'm feeling particularly evil, the weird deep throated laugh that I have no idea when I developed. 

Mmm, funny things. I like funny things.

So it's been a while since I've done one of these (they'd changed their emailing format and they typically just post excerpts with a very short book blurb) but then I got this one and I just... Well, you'll see. As always, the snarkiness is interjected is all me:

A Trace of Smoke (Hannah Vogel)

Rebecca Cantrell

Some are born to motherhood, others have motherhood thrust upon them.

From the time I held my first nephew in my arms, I knew that I wanted to be a mother. But when I was eight months into a difficult pregnancy and well past the point of no return, I worried that I didn’t have what it takes to be a mother. Those worries are shared by the heroine in the novel I began the day that my son started preschool.

I actually like this part. I like the acknowledgement that being a mother is hard and that at certain points, women who are mothers can feel unsure of their abilities.

This isn't the part that made me spit out my drink, if I'd been drinking at the time.

The main character in A Trace of Smoke, Hannah Vogel, never meant to become a mother. It was hard enough to survive on her own in the desperate streets of 1931 Berlin. Plus she had her fill of motherhood helping to raise her headstrong and glamorous brother.

I'm trying to figure out if "glamourous" is supposed to equal "gay." Reading the rest, it seems like it is.

When Hannah identifies her brother as the murder victim in a crime scene photograph, she blames herself. If she had not protected him from their soldier father’s wrath, he might never have become a cabaret nightingale and ended up dead in a gutter.

So basically, she thinks if her father had beaten him more, he wouldn't have become a singer and then led himself into a death. In the 1930s. I don't mean to be callous but didn't a lot of people die or were mistreated as singers or whatever?

And seriously, she would have preferred that her FATHER beat her brother rather than have him follow a career he is passionate about. How does she know that if he had become an accountant or something, he wouldn't have died in a gutter as well?

Determined to find out the truth about his life and death, Hannah searches for her brother’s killer through smoky cabarets and dark cobblestone streets. She follows a trail of desperate men and uncovers dangerous secrets. Most disturbing of all is a five year old boy who claims that her brother was his father and Hannah herself his mother. Hannah knows this is untrue, probably on both counts. But as the reviewer for Romantic Times, notes, that little boy is “the one who will steal your heart.”

Seriously, does that say "gay" to you too? I mean, how could she KNOW it's untrue?

After the boy is dumped on her doorstep, Hannah tries to return him to his real mother. But as she delves into the truth about his parentage, she uncovers sex scandals that might rock the foundations of the rising Nazi party. How can she choose between bringing down the Nazi party and saving the life of one small boy? Or will they all be sucked into the maelstrom that swallowed her brother and might soon bring down all of Germany?

Wow, a sex scandal that could rock the foundations of what, as we know from history, is considered one of the most evil regimes within the last century! OH MY GOD! She needs to save them!

What?!

She has to choose between the Nazis and saving the life of a child. So she needs to decide between a POLITICAL PARTY and saving the life of a child. Wow, what to choose? What to choose? What. To. Choose.

::rolls eyes::

Let's put this in Canadian terms: say I (as a Canadian) find myself taking care of my dead brother's possible child. I would have to choose between the Conservative Party and the life of the child, or basically an ideology vs a reality.

Are you kidding? Seriously, are you kidding?

HOW DOES THIS MAKE THE CHARACTER SEEM INTERESTING AND/OR SYMPATHETIC? Should I really want to bitch slap her JUST from the blurb? Hannah, you're not deciding between a building with a bomb that's full of people vs the life of a small child. That's a difficult decision. Bring the fucking Nazis down, bitch! What the fuck kind of decision is that?!

::sigh:: My vitriol is odd today. It's not very passionate. I miss my normal writing.

If you were to open up a business of your own, what would it be?
Submitted by beth.

Thanks to RobbbieDobbbie, I realized I forgot to give love to another one of the businesses that I'd like to open:

An old-timey soda/ice cream shop!

Can you imagine me wearing the red and white striped shirt (why am I picturing a blond moustache too? Huh) making up ice cream sundaes and pulling soda, the real kind, flavoured with cane sugar rather than corn syrup? Mmm.

Though I'd probably also add some foods, make it a diner, soda and ice cream shop. That would be so much fun.

::sigh::

If you were to open up a business of your own, what would it be?
Submitted by beth.

Huh, pleased by another QoTD. Lovely and a change.

For me, I have a few different businesses I'd like to begin:

I'm thinking (semi-seriously) of opening a day care in my city (you wouldn't believe the waiting lists for new mothers. You basically have to sign your child up when you and your partner begin to think about having a child. Since the wait is typically 2 years, you'll be right on time). There are some pretty specific requirements and I would prefer it to be a Montessori day care center (parents tend to pay more for that) and I'd also like to have facilities for older children after school, rather than have children go to an empty home. That seems a bit ambitious though and if the day care happens, after school care wouldn't happen until I was more established.

Gee, I'm talking like I'm going to stay in town, aren't I?

Then I'd love to open a book store, even though you make NO money with books, especially when there are mega-bookstores who are able to sell below cost and are able to bulk buy whereas an independent bookstore can only truly thrive if they start to genre focus. I have a full store idea planned in my head that would never make me or my partners any money unless I made the most amazing coffee ever and that would finance all the book-selling (there's approximately 30% profit on regular books -- negated by the huge discounts offered by the mega-bookstores -- while there is approximately 300% profit on coffee. Maybe more. I forget the math).

I've also considered opening up a sex toys store with porn. It's so hard to find good porn for women.

I've thought about opening up a cannibis cafe (it's only illegal if they catch you) but I'm too pretty and too uneducated in self-defense to go to jail.

I'd like to open a pub or casual restaurant. No idea why. Especially after hearing all the things JennyExiled goes through ::shudder:: But I've always like the Irish pub kind of ambience. It's my favourite place to get drunk.

The problem with most of these though? I'm not really fond of people.

I find other people's children tiresome, quarrelous and needy (not yours, yours are great).

People have no respect for property they haven't purchased (I worked in a bookstore and you don't know the number of magazines we had to either eat the cost of or send back because some ass tore out a page).

Ugh, can you imaging how bored I would be sex if I had to actually cull the porn in my store to rate/rank them?

And I don't really like being around drunk or high people if I can't verbally abuse them or throw water at them to sober them up.

Why does everything involve other people?

Who is the best deceased musician/singer?
Submitted by sarahllr.

I really like this question even though I have no idea how to answer this. I can never remember who's alive or dead. I mean, Tupac's dead but he keeps releasing albums; it's just confusing! I thought Etta James was dead but then she threatened to kick Beyonce's ass (which would be fun and hilarious).

Is Nina Simone dead or just in seclusion? I think she's dead. She's quite amazing; she was ground-breaking in an era when women weren't supposed to be anything but quiet. She made music that still resonates and inspires those who listen to music and those who make music.

Elvis made current rock possible in that he was able to make it as mainstream and wide-spread because of his charisma, so I'm thankful for him, even though he also (to me) embodies the of excesses of super stardom and downward spiral that comes from someone without boundaries.

Hmmm, who else?

I'm thankful to Kurt Cobain as well because he was the symbol of my generation in the 90s and the grunge rock that I feel helped me become more myself and more aware of what is outside of my own secure circle.

There are just so many and I just realized how much I really do like this question. Thanks for reminding me to think about more than just the present but to acknowledge and appreciate how much amazing music came before my birth. I need to explore music more. I love it so much.