lostdwarf’s blog

So, I was just tagged by the lovely and talented Emily Sears with the following questions:

1.) What is a physical feature you admire in both men and women that you find yourself noticing or comparing when out and about?

I find myself seeing how pants fit on men and how women wear their breasts. Stop looking at me that way. Let me explain:

Men used to wear pants starting at their waist with a leg line that just goes straight down. It was simple, elegant and attractive. Their back pockets used to sit on their bums, and you never had to stare at what kind of underwear they've chosen to wear that day.

I miss those days.

Nowadays, I'm just searching for men who still adhere to the simple, elegant and attractive way of wearing pants. I see so many wearing pants so baggy with a waist that starts basically around their knees that I wonder why they don't just wear a band of fabric around their knees and just call THOSE pants? And why would you want your pockets to hang on the back of your thighs? How is that comfortable? I mean, try sitting with a wallet in your back pocket, hell, with a freaking bus pass in your back pocket when your pockets hit your thighs? Doesn't it chaff? Maybe throws off your sitting ability? Were these pants invented to hide knock-knees on men? Is this such a huge problem?

This is why I prefer men who wear suits or ride motorcycles. They wear pants that fit... mostly.

Now with women, it's always interesting to see if they're wearing enough support and what kind of cleavage they have. Good cleavage is like manna from heaven. Bad cleavage is like playing paint ball while wearing white with everyone gunning for you: painful and just ugly to watch. (okay, so I stole that little analogy from something that happened to my cousin's friend)

I'm actually surprised I haven't been slapped or arrested yet.

2.) Who is someone we've heard about who possesses this admirable feature?

Someone who wears pants well? Well, I gotta give it to George Clooney. That man wears the hell out of a pair of pants. Oooh, and Jensen Ackles. That stumpy bowlegged man wears the hell out of pants too. Oh! And John Krasinski. Kind of. They hang a little bit more than I'd like (from what I've seen on tv) but they make his legs look amazing.

And women? Hmm, maybe... Jennifer Hudson, I think. Her breasts are up and out and just good. Oooh, Cate Blanchett, especially when she's pregnant. That is a woman who knows how to dress. Even when it's weird, it never feels like you're looking at her dress more than you're looking at her. 

Who doesn't? Scarlett Johannson. Her breasts are always so strapped and pushed up that they've become less like breasts and more like chin rests. What's up with that? I cringe when I look at her and then wonder if I'm missing something when others proclaim her breasts amazing. Amazing breasts are breasts that look like breasts, not breasts that look like you've strapped them to your head.

You know, I was hoping I could mention more women but some of them just strap their breasts in with dresses that are ill-fitting or have been without bras so long that their knees are playing pinata with those hanging globes or they just don't have much breast at all.

And hello to all you pervs who've found my blog because of the number of times I've said "breasts" in the last few paragraphs.

3.) If you could "safely" explore an addictive or otherwise unhealthful or unsafe vice, which one would you choose and why?

I've always wondered what is so amazing about drugs that people would willingly use them. In this one aspect of my life, I'm a bit of a prude. Or a control freak. I think it's more of a control freak thing than anything else. If I was a prude, I'd be secretly tempted to use drugs but so officious and abrupt in my dismissal of them that it would be well within other people's rights to pelt me with used syringes.

Since I'm walking the streets pelt free (HAH! God, I make me laugh), I'm just a control freak. I don't like something other than me controlling my actions. It's why I don't drink to excess unless I'm in a controlled environment.

Actually, I'd like to try stealing. Stealing seems like it would be interesting. But not petty theft. I'd like to be a jewel thief, one who's name is whispered throughout the thieving world as someone who's ability to steal is almost like a gift from God (or Satan dun dun duuuuuuun!) but who doesn't feel the need to spill blood over her jewels.

Awesome.

It also doesn't answer the question at all but I choose to believe it does.

4.) In which TV show currently airing would you like to be a regular character? Describe the character a bit.

Oooh, just one tv show? I'd kind of like to be an ass-kicking hunter in Supernatural. Or ... huh. I don't really know. I watch some tv but there aren't any shows I'd like to be a part of. You know, with my non-existent acting skills. CSI: NY maybe. Maybe a funny coroner. That would probably suit my personality.

5.) If you could be a member of the opposite sex for a day, what you would try out?

I would really like to know what is so good about peeing while standing up. Really. How is that efficient in any situation outside of having to pee really badly on a road trip and being able to pee in a cup? And at that point, if that's what you want it for, why would you just put in a pee bag or something?

It would be interesting to see what sex is like for a man. It has to feel different in some way, doesn't it?

And how hairy would my ass be as a man? I'm Chinese so I'm going to guess "Not at all" but I still wonder. Okay, so this last part doesn't actually answer the question but I would probably be looking at my ass a lot. It's just a thing.

Who am I going to tag? Who wants to play?

I actually had a full-on funny one (rather than a funny/offensive one) come out of my mouth last week:

Me: So make sure you bring [dollar amount] for the gown rental.

Caller: [amount]? Do I get it back when I bring the gown back?

Me: [on the phone] ... It's a gown rental. No. You don't.

       [off the phone] It's not like they're renting your money from you, idiot.

At least emotionally.

... and I don't think you want to know the joke I just censored in my head.

You want to know why I don't go on dates? It's because when I see a guy I like or who I think is really attractive, instead of doing the NORMAL thing and flirting (like I'm a real girl!), I can't even look at him. I can't smile, I can't do the things I would normally do with people who I don't give two shits about. And hell, sometimes, just sometimes, I don't treat these guys all that great.

I know! Seriously, if you ever hear me say, "It's not you, it's me", BELIEVE ME. It really is me and not you.

::sigh:: I kind of wish we could go back to the time when, if you like someone, you'd run over, punch their arm and then run back to the other side of the room.

Help me out here. Get me over this hump. Give me something for my head so I don't regress to an 8 year old girl.

Angels Fall

Nora Roberts

Okay, I'm just going to cut to the chase on this one. Yes, I will be doing up a full review (see below) but if you're just curious whether you should make any effort to watch this if it shows up on your television or in your local video store: No. Emphatically NO. And if you end up watching it anyway... well, I told you so.

Now, on to the review:

I don't know what braintrust thought to cast Heather Locklear as a 30-something Reece who's running from herself and her memories but that person should be taken behind the shed and shot, just to put him/her out of his/her misery.

And mine. Definitely put them out of my misery. For god's sake.

And Jonathan Schaech as the mysterious and solitary writer Brody? Well... he... um... no. I mean, he looks pretty good but in a few scenes, he was out acted by the scenery.

So the basic story is this:

Reece Gilmore (who's name I am probably misspelling) becomes stranded in a small town, Angels Fall, when her car dies right outside of town. After discovering how much and how long it will take to fix her car, she enters the town with her meager funds and, by a stroke of good luck, finds a job as a cook in the local diner.

As she begins to settle in the town, she goes for a hike in the woods and witnesses a murder that, later, no one can find any evidence of, no body, no scene of the crime, no other witnesses.

Reece, with the help of Brody, begins to look in to this murder and someone, discovering the past she's running away from, tries to help her lose her mind. Again.

And while I'm mocking the story (just a little bit), I have to say that I really enjoyed the book. I enjoyed the motivations of all the characters, I loved Reece's strength and also how Brody become reluctantly drawn in to her search, and during that search, how they both fall in love. If you get a moment, give the book a chance.

Even Reece's backstory is fairly interesting. From the beginning, you can tell she's running from something and, of course, the first thought is that she's running from an abusive husband/boyfriend. Seriously, it's like a given. But this time, she's actually running from herself. Two years previous, on her last day at work in a restaurant before going on to become head chef at another, more prestigious restaurant, everyone in working that day was killed in a shooting spree. She survived but with survivor's guilt. The guilt eats at her to the extent that she starts to mentally break down. After the trial, she checks herself into a mental institution. After she is released, she cuts ties from her family and her surroundings and takes to the road.

I may have made the book sound slightly overwrought but it's good. The movie however? Was a freaking waste of time. I had to FF through a bunch of it just to get to the end but especially the ::sigh:: sexy scenes. Why would you cast two people who have no chemistry when standing next to each other? Why? Sure, when they're throwing glances, they've got a TON of chemistry but that only means that they have chemistry with either the camera or the cameraman.

I think the height of my distaste for this movie was during this scene where Reece and Brody are in the Sheriff's office, waiting to see if a woman that was recently found in the woods is the woman Reece saw murdered. Brody had just found an album of Reece's with her slain co-workers X'd out with DEAD written on them and INSANE written on her and he brings this up as proof that someone is trying to drive her insane.

In the book, this is the point Reece realizes that someone IS messing with her, that she would never desecrate the memory of these people who she did love with something so heinous.

In the movie? This is what we get:

"Oh, I did that." ::shrug::

Thanks, script writer. You suck. And thanks, Heather Locklear. We probably could have gotten a less wooden reading from the chair in that corner. Please go back to playing man-eaters.

And also, how fucking stupid do they think we are? They're playing up this one character as the "HE MUST HAVE DONE IT" to the point where it would have looked less stupid if they just had a giant flashing red arrow with "RED HERRING! WE WANT YOU TO THINK HE DID IT! LOOK AT THE WAY HE'S SKULKING AROUND! HE HAS LONG SCRAGGY HAIR AND HE'S A MANWHORE!".

I think they only decided to stay away from the subtle approach because that's too many words to fit on a red arrow.

Yes, he's one of the suspects in the book but he gets the chance for redemption and it's not just having sex with the cute waitress at the diner and asking her to marry him. What the fuck kind of redemption is that?! In the BOOK, he actually helps SAVE Reece and Brody from the murderer. THAT'S motherfucking redemption!

Why don't I learn? Why don't I learn that, even though people are buying her books because they're supposedly really good books and therefore have a built in audience, they decide to fuck up all the characters in order to make it easier for them to shoot? Well, I hope you're happy counting your money, NORA ROBERTS. Good job on the script consulting. I hope your messed up characters haunt you in your sleep.

Recommendation: Only watch this movie if you're doing it with friends, wine and food so that you can have a night of bad movies. HOWEVER, if you've never read a Nora Roberts book, watch this movie and let me know what you think. I'd like to know if I'm being overly harsh because I enjoy her writing or if the movie actually stinks this much. Thanks!

Seriously tired of all people but especially:

• Faculty members who seem to believe that they shit gold and should have all of us administrative peons catering to their every little stupid thing. Dude, you want to be called doctor? MAYBE YOU SHOULD LET US KNOW. We can't read minds and even if I could, I wouldn't want to read your's. Perv.

• Graduating students who can't figure out that when something is called a "deadline" that means that you need to have something completed by that time. Why don't they know this if, ostensibly, they've gone through 4 years of post-secondary schooling, taking many courses that would, more than likely, have assignments that have these so-called "deadlines."

• People who can't figure out that I can't make an exception. No, not even for you. Or you. You're just not that special, I don't want to sleep with you and you can't offer me anything interesting enough for me to even consider breaking the rules. And stop telling me about the fucking people coming from out of town. I'm not sure how I can express more fully how I DON'T CARE except to say I don't care and that your relatives are your fucking problem.

• Bus drivers who don't know that the left pedal in a bus means you can slow down instead of narrowly hitting the car in front of you who has the audacity to want to turn right and instead of swerving into the next lane so that you narrowly hit the car that was just doo-de-dooing along, minding its own business.

All of you people suck and you need to stop sharing my air space.

Today, I'm going to share with you, two of my favourite online comics.

Savage Chickens - a friend of mine sent me the link. She used to work the the man who draws and writes it. I took a look to be nice and then loved his slightly bizarre sense of humour.

I KNOW! Bizarre sense of humour! Who knew I'd like something like that?!

Savage Chickens - Important List

The other one I can't remember how I found. Seriously. It was either through Neil Gaiman's blog or through a friend but Something Positive is hilarious and feeds my misanthropy like nothing else. Plus two of the main characters are Chinese women who don't fit a stereotype! Awesome.

I'm actually not caught up yet. I, in my fit of OCD-ness, decided to start at the very beginning of the archives. Right now I'm at about January 22, 2005.

I can't seem to insert the very first strip made but it starts here. Let's see if you can see what caught my attention.

Kisses!

Hey guys, I need to get caught up (getting sick on a busy Friday just isn't a good thing) but before I do, please go here and donate. Please just donate whatever you can, even If you can only donate $5 or $10 (try to donate $10 or more. I think they only give automatic donation tax slips for $10 or more). My friend is walking for her nephew Trey who died a few years ago from brain cancer.

I don't think I can fully explain how much this devastated her family. He was their light and the apple of all their eyes. When he first went in to remission, they were so hopeful and then... well.

If you can't donate, please feel free to send the link to someone you think will be able to donate. I love you guys! Kisses!

Wow, that sounds pretentious. Neat.

Earlier this week, Hurricane Hetta (hello, awesome!) had a post about how people are rushing around, trying to achieve the next thing, gain the next accolade but never really arriving at contentment or even true happiness (of course I'm paraphrasing. She puts it a lot more coherently and intelligently). Oddly enough, while I was listening to a podcast this morning, the man was talking about technology and distribution systems and how we need to keep up with the speed of change.

He gave examples of how, in the near future, we would receive emails and notifications from our appliances and our vehicles, letting us know about various foodstuffs we need to pick up that we're low on, how we should get our oil changed and might need more gas to get home and how our children (or, actually, YOUR children since I'm still waffling on whether my dusty eggs and I will ever have children) will be able to interact with their computers that have been instilled with artificial intelligence, have a conversation on a particular topic, have the computer then paraphrase what their conversation was and then email it as an essay to their teacher.

This, of course, hinges on the idea that teachers aren't interested in regurgitated information, which... well, I don't believe that for all teachers. But that's another story.

But the whole idea of all these changes just makes me feel so stressed. It feels like the whole world is just leaving me behind.

One of the things he said is that because information and technology is changing at an exponential rate, by the time you wake up, you're half as smart as you were the day before. To me, that means that information and technology are leaving you behind. It's exciting but at the same time, does no one else feel the bowel-loosening terror about this?

And I'm not saying that I believe computers will take over and begin to rule over us with an iron fist (I mean, how frightened can you be of something that would freak out over a Barbie-shaped fridge magnet?). What I AM worried about is this: how quickly will what we do become obsolete?

I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with my life. What if I figure it out and what I want to do becomes obsolete?

I mean, aren't writers afraid? With all the text messaging and the shortened "text language", what makes you think that there will still be people who are interested in reading within the younger generation? What if literature and art gets left behind in this mad rush of innovation, information and technology?

Aren't athletes afraid? What if, in the younger generation, the interest in going to sporting events lessens because we're all communicating with our fridge and our exercise equipment, yelling at them to stop nagging us, we WANT to eat chips and not exercise more than 20 minutes at a time every other week?

I mean, isn't it already happening? (Not the arguing with appliances thing) Aren't there stats out there that spectators for various athletic events are starting to decrease? Isn't it harder to become published unless your name is already known? Aren't we already losing all the fun things in life because we're trying to get ahead?

::hyperventilates from talking too much and too quickly::

... I know. I sound like a freaking alarmist. All I need is a tin foil hat to compliment (complement? OH MY GOD, WHY DON'T I KNOW THIS?) my paranoia. But I guess what I want to know is: What are we rushing towards? Is it something we even really want? Is any of this really going to make us any better or happier? Healthier or wiser? Are we just doing this to show others, "Hey, look at the cool thing I can make this toaster do!"?

And yes, a lot of this is about me. I WANT to find a job that I enjoy, one that I feel accomplished, that helps me earn enough money where I feel truly independent and able to make decisions based on how I really feel about something and not on how it might impact my ability to earn money. I don't want to find that the job/career I choose will all of a sudden become unnecessary or obsolete; I don't want to find that *I* become unnecessary and obsolete.

::sigh::

I don't know; do I sound disjointed and hysterical? Because now that I've put this down, I actually feel a lot better, even though I'm still confused.

What do you think?

I've been asked by Emily Sears to review a book she absolutely hated so that I can give it the proper verbal thrashing it deserves and perhaps cause the writers to examine their ability to actually write a proper book, then ritualistically killing themselves so that they can appease the angry writing gods.

I'm also in the midst of two different books (both non-fiction though, oddly enough):

The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat: And Other Clinical Tales

Oliver Sacks

I have the feeling it's giving me nightmares. Everything I've read about different neurological disorders have become my worst nightmare and something that makes me willing to exercise, in the hopes that making the blood speed around my body will stave off dementia or Korsikovs.

I'm also reading:

How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale

Jenna Jameson

I am completely and utterly fascinated by Jenna Jameson. This woman created the idea of the "Porn Star." She was able to turn a medium that is looked down upon and created her own dynasty. Whatever you think about porn, you have to admire that.

I'm a little ... unsure of how the book will be though. One of the introduction pages mentions that some of the names of been changed and (I think) a few of the movies she's made (under various titles) have been amalgamated into one movie. I don't completely understand what that means but it seems fairly dishonest for an autobiography.

I mean, I might as well write my autobiography and just make up stories, like that time I saved Big Bird from being crushed by a train.

True story.

... okay, no it's not.

ANYWAY, this long ass post was so that I could ask you, are there any books out there that you want me to review? Please keep in mind that even if you suggest it, I might not read it. Or if I start to read it and it makes me want to swallow my own tongue in anger, I may choose to stop reading it.

Though with that last scenario, I'd still rip it apart online.

If you have the feeling the book will make my eyes want to bleed, please don't recommend it. My eyes are bad enough already; I don't need to become a Bond villain.

Okay, like Ginger Sister, I guess it takes a couple of tags before I'll get off my butt to do one of these meme things. Now to curse you all with further information about me (if you need an eye scrape afterwards, talk to Robbbie). Just be happy I'm writing this with my pants on:

The rules:

1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.
3. At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment on their blog and tell them they’ve been tagged, and to come back and read your blog for the whole story

1.) Like Hurricane Hetta, I don't like to wear pants. I really don't. But it's not like I like to wear skirts. I just like to be pantsless, pretty much all the time. Unfortunately, I'm volunteering with the RCMP and there's a rule you can't embarass them in public, plus I think my work place would kick me out and I like money.

It's gotten to the point where I'm planning a PantslessCon with some friends. Others would prefer to wear pants; I've graciously allowed them to wear skirts. But this whole pantsless thing is probably why I'm dragging my ass about moving in with my family. I've gotten so used to living by myself; I'm used to running out of the bathroom bare ass naked (YOUR EYES! YOUR EYES! Hah!) or just wandering around, playing the computer or watching movies with no pants on.

I will not be able to be pantsless with my family. ::sigh::

2.) I know it's hard to tell because I'm so shy and retiring (What? I am! Wait until you meet me in real life!) but I've wanted to rule the world since I was basically 8. I'm still trying to figure out the best and most bloodless way to do it (have you tried getting blood out of cotton? Do you know how hard it is?).

Maybe I'll just take over all media first and then just appoint myself Empress of the World, dangle Paris Hilton over a shark tank and tell everyone that if they don't acknowledge me as their rightful leader, I'll let release her go back in to the public.

Oh, I play hard ball, believe you me.

3.) I also wanted to become an accountant when I was in high school. No idea where that ambition went to but you can't believe how I almost did a cartwheel when I heard about forensic accounting. Dudes, can you think of something better to do during your day then nailing some rich bastard's ass to the wall after he's stolen a bunch of old people's money? Do you know how many of these guys get to walk after taking people's lives away? Way too many and it's because law enforcement wasn't ready. 

And imagine how evil my giggle would be each and every fucking time I get to nail one of these guys to the wall. I love my evil giggle.

4.) When I was 12, I was a HUGE New Kids on the Block fan (NKOTB my ASS!).

And don't mock; the shame still follows me to this day but damn, the music was so catchy!

5.) Half the bad things that happen to me, I tend to blame on my unknown evil twin sister. I swear, there has to be one out there! How else do you explain not having a real date in this millennium?!

Okay, so maybe emasculating every man near me doesn't help either but damn you, bostbwarf! You're ruining my life!

6.) I went through a phase where I really liked, what was termed, "New Country." And then whatstheirnames went and did a duet with Alabama and my love died. If I freaking wanted to listen to pop music, I WOULD LISTEN TO POP MUSIC. I still love Johnny Cash and Alison Krauss but I just can't stand some of the pap that country fans will willingly plop money down for. Just because the song proclaims love for family, the country or Jesus, DOES NOT MAKE IT A GOOD SONG. 

Seriously, it's like Christian music folk, willing to buy anything within "their" genre and not demanding that those artists actually make GOOD music. Demand more from people, for god's sake!

7.) I love trade shows. I love asking people weird random questions that actually pertain to what their industry is and I love watching them scramble to ask my question. I'm smart, I read and I WILL use it to my advantage in order to make you uncomfortable.

Mwahahahahaaaaaa!

Seriously, I need to get a microphone so I can tape myself. I have the most evil giggle.

8.) I'm old enough to still say "record" (reh-cord, vs reee-cord) when an artist releases music, like, "Oh, so Queens of the Stone Age have a new record out?"

It's not even like I'm a vinyl freak (oooh, that could be misconstrued. I mean that I don't enjoy leather face masks. Haha! Kidding, of course I do!) though I've heard and read studies that vinyl actually lasts longer than most other music mediums. It's rather interesting. I wonder if I should start investing in a record player and find an actual record store.

But then I'd have to start smoking pot, paint my bedroom black and have meaningful conversations with my potted plants about how The Man is oppressing the rice crops.

Since I already do that, what's the point?

... yes, I'm joking. Especially if you're an RCMP investigator. Give me my security clearance!