Dear Lord...

Why must you plague me with women who watch their weight AND food? Who are SO vocal about calories and whatnot? You're putting me off my food! And I know, you're looking pointedly at the size of my butt. Well, you can shut it, GOD, my butt is FINE. It's round, it's bodacious and it's ... okay, so in that one dress, it looked like something you would put tchochkes on.

But Beyonce wore a dress that gave her square hips one time so, once again, you can shut it. Plus? The sweater top made me look hot so yeah, I'm going back to buy the sweater when it comes in ::sticks out tongue::

And put down that lightning bolt. I'm not calling you names; I'm just calling you OUT. If you didn't want me to eat, you shouldn't have made food so delicious. Really? I'm supposed to turn down chocolate cake? Really?! Or, wait, did you want me to eat the cake but only have a slice so thin, no one could tell a piece was taken?

Whatever. It's chocolate cake; give me a normal sized piece. I'd like to enjoy it with some coffee. WITH MILK.

All right, fine, I might give up milk. But only because I think it's causing my weird skin condition.

But seriously, what's wrong with you? What's up with making women who are always so worried and unhappy with how they look that they aren't able to acknowledge how GOOD they actually do look? Where's the self-esteem jar, God? Did you forget to give us some? What about the self-worth one? Are you skimping on that one with women too? Or are you just starting to forget to include that one in for everyone? Cause I've noticed some people sadly lacking in both and it's starting to piss me off.

And please, can you make celebutards go away? I don't think they're helping us any.

Amen.